By Oluwafunke Allen
Most people choose a marriage counsellor the way they choose a restaurant a friend mentioned once a name gets passed along, and they book without asking a single question first. Then they’re surprised, three sessions in, that the approach doesn’t fit them, or the faith piece got ignored entirely, or the counsellor seems to specialise in something that isn’t actually their issue. You wouldn’t hire a contractor without asking what they’ve built before. Don’t do it with someone you’re about to hand your marriage to, either. Here’s exactly what to ask.
Ask about their approach, in plain language
“What’s your general approach when a couple comes in?” is a fair, simple question, and a good counsellor should be able to answer it without jargon. You’re listening for whether their answer sounds structured do they have an actual process, or are sessions just open-ended talking with no real direction? Both can work for different people, but you should know which one you’re walking into before you commit six sessions and your Saturday mornings to finding out.
Ask directly whether faith is part of the room
If your faith is central to how you understand your marriage and for most of the couples I sit with, it is ask plainly: “Do you integrate faith into your counselling, or is it kept entirely separate?” There’s no universally right answer here; some couples specifically want a secular, clinical approach and that’s a valid choice too. But you want to know which room you’re walking into before your first session, not discover it awkwardly in the middle of one, when you mention Scripture and watch the counsellor’s face go carefully neutral.
Ask about their actual experience with your specific issue
A counsellor who’s excellent with general communication problems may have very little specific experience with, say, infidelity recovery, or blended-family conflict, or chronic in-law interference. Ask directly: “Have you worked with couples on this particular issue before, and what does that usually look like?” You’re not trying to interrogate their credentials. You’re trying to find out if they’ve actually walked this specific road with someone before, or if you’d be their first attempt at your particular problem.
Ask about confidentiality practices, specifically
Especially inside close-knit church communities, ask exactly how confidentiality works what’s documented, who else might ever see notes, whether they’d ever discuss your case even in general or anonymised terms with anyone else, including pastoral staff. A trustworthy counsellor will answer this precisely and without any defensiveness, because they’ve thought carefully about it long before you asked.
Proverbs 12:15 says, “the way of a fool is right in his own eyes: but he that hearkeneth unto counsel is wise.” I’d add a companion thought to that verse from fifteen years of doing this work: wisdom isn’t only in seeking counsel. It’s in seeking it carefully, with your eyes open about who you’re choosing and why not just the first name someone handed you after Sunday service.
What this looks like practically
Before your first paid session, most counsellors worth their fee will do a short phone call or email exchange where these exact questions are entirely fair game and a counsellor who bristles at being asked them is telling you something useful about the fit before you’ve spent a single naira or dollar. Write your questions down beforehand, both of you, so nerves don’t erase them the moment you’re actually in the room.
The line I want you to keep
You are allowed to interview the person you’re about to hand your marriage to. A good counsellor expects the questions and welcomes them — it’s the ones who don’t that should make you pause. I’ve written out the full list I’d want a couple to ask, along with the answers that should raise a flag, in the book.
Sacred, but Fully Known launches October 3rd. Subscribe below one more of these to go.
— Funke
Sacred, but Fully Known: A Faith-Rooted Companion to Intimacy in Marriage launches October 3rd, 2026. Subscribe above to follow the story, and to be first in line on launch day.
